James DavieOff the back of the top 20 GTA: San Andreas missions list from September, it’s time to return to another GTA: San Andreas countdown. This time, let’s celebrate the diverse personalities of San Andreas, from Grove Street’s resident homie and protagonist Carl “CJ” Johnson, all the way to… Maccer! There are no shortage of loonies and leftists, and some of the best characters aren’t always the ones you would typically side with or even enjoy, but they stay burning in your memory long after the game is over. So read on and find out the top 15 characters!
15. Madd Dogg
You can’t help but feel sorry for Madd Dogg. The first time you hear about him is from OG Loc because Loc wants CJ to steal Madd Dogg’s rhyme book from his mansion. After CJ successfully acquires the rhyme book, Loc decides he hadn’t finished with messing up Madd Dogg’s career, so implores CJ to steal a limousine and pretend to be Madd Dogg’s manager’s chauffeur, just so CJ could drive off a pier and drown the innocent bloke along with his wench. When we first actually see Madd Dogg, he’s attempting to commit suicide as he’s staggering about on a roof, but when he decides to jump, CJ saves him and takes him to a nearby medical facility. From here, Madd Dogg makes a huge comeback, carries out his revenge on Loc, and ends up getting his first gold record.
Madd Dogg’s story is inspiring and he could be higher on this list if he made more appearances and wasn’t made to be completely oblivious to the fact CJ was responsible for stealing his rhymes and drowning his manager. Sure, Dogg wasn’t told about what CJ did thanks to Loc, but it makes Dogg seem rather unimportant in the grand scheme of things- even though he is quite unimportant really.
14. Barry “Big Bear” Thorne
Big Bear is a minor character in San Andreas, who we first see as a man slave for former Grove Street homeboy B-Dup. CJ and Ryder turn up to B-Dup’s abode and find Big Bear being made to scrub a toilet and make it sparkle. Big Bear dropped the Grove Street gang colors due to heavy influence on drugs, so moved in with B-Dup so he could get his fix. However, towards the climax of the game in the mission “Beatdown on B-Dup”, Big Bear decided he had had enough of B-Dup telling him what to do, so he punches B-Dup to the ground and promises to return to Grove Street in exchange for twenty bucks.
Despite his fleeting appearances, Big Bear makes this list because it’s comforting to know that he fought out of oppression from B-Dup and drugs and wants to get clean. It is also fitting to note that the downfall of Grove Street is the downfall of Big Bear, and Grove Street’s rise saw the rising of Big Bear-so in a way he is a great marker of progress for the Grove Street Families.
13. Jizzy B
Despite being named after male reproductive fluid, Jizzy B comes across more like an irritating Kanye West-type. Jizzy is the owner of the Pleasure Domes Club in San Fierro, and he’s also a pimp who wants CJ to wipe out his competition across town, which includes a sugar daddy who wants to cleanse one of Jizzy’s girls of her demonic sins. Jizzy first comes to CJ’s attention as he is part of the Loco Syndicate, a drug-peddling organization also including T-Bone Mendez and Mike Toreno.
Jizzy plays it cool and seems laid back at first, but as his empire begins to crumble, so does he. It is during CJ’s associations with Jizzy that he meets the other members of The Loco Syndicate, and undertakes missions to gain their approval. Ultimately, CJ sneaks into Pleasure Domes in order to take him out, and although Jizzy attempts to make a vehicular escape, he is gunned down by CJ.
Jizzy isn’t a particularly profound character, nor is he noble, but he does have a groove about him that makes him different from other characters in the game. Maybe this is because he owns a strip club and is a reminder of Kanye West. Whatever the case maybe, he definitely has something extra about him.
12. Zero
Of all the dorkiest dorks who ever dorked, Zero is a nerd you meet in San Fierro who owns an RC shop, and he is obsessed with someone called Berkley because he’s ruining and toying with Zero’s life. When thinking about who this Berkley person is, it’s easy to assume it’s someone like Toy Story’s Zurg because of how nerdy everything associated with Zero is. At one point, CJ opens up a dresser to find Zero hung from his underwear-so that’s just how easy it is to believe that Zero is an A-grade nerd. Anyway, even though he is an insecure figure, and encourages CJ to participate in some of San Andreas’s worst mission, Zero isn’t all bad. Zero is very tech-savvy, and he helps CJ during the heist mission at Caligula’s Casino later in the game-even if CJ punches his lights out afterwards for revealing information he shouldn’t have to Berkley.
He might be annoying and he might put CJ and the player through irritating errands, but Zero is definitely one of the most outstanding personalities in San Andreas. Zero’s nerdy missions are quite refreshingly different from anything you play in San Andreas, but the man himself is really just a lowly lonesome chap who deserves a few loyal friends and maybe some TLC from a lover.
11. Ken Rosenberg
Fresh off… well more like drugged up from his bonkers ambulance-chasing appearance in Vice City, former lawyer Ken Rosenberg has now found himself disbarred from the law, abandoned by Tommy Vercetti, and he’s a coke-head in need of rehab. Ken is an absolute mess no doubt, but this mess he’s in gets a whole lot worse when he finds himself the middle-man in a mafia-run casino in Las Venturas. Ken might be running the casino, but he answers to the crime bosses, particularly Salvatore Leone, who takes up presence in Ken’s office to remind Ken that he can be at his beck and call anytime he requires it. Ken cannot afford for anybody to get capped on his turf or he’ll get iced, so his stressful predicament has ratcheted up immensely, and it is up to CJ to free Ken of his burdens.
Ken isn’t quite as central to the story of San Andreas like he is in Vice City, but in San Andreas, he is in dire straits and is an absolute mess. Ken is always on edge and still snorts coke in order to feel better about the situation he is in. The best thing about Ken in San Andreas is that he is the man who is at the center of all the drama going on in Las Venturas, which allows this portion of the game to be super-interesting. It’s hard not to wish that we should’ve seen Ken far sooner than we did, but at least he shows up at the end of the game in the Johnson family home to celebrate with everybody.
10. Jeffrey Cross (OG Loc)
Probably the biggest phony in San Andreas, OG Loc is a wannabe gangster rapper who is also a member of the Grove Street Families. We first me Loc when CJ and friends pick him up from the police station when he’s fresh out of prison. From here, Loc wants to get revenge on a man who tormented him while he was inside, so he asks CJ to hop on a motorbike with him to give chase to this flamboyant fellow. Once revenge is exacted, Loc next wanted CJ to steal a sound system so that Loc can rev up his ambitions of being a rapper.
CJ of course had to shuck and jive to the beat of Hollywood Swinging by Kool And The Gang for a pleasant lady DJ in order to nab the opportunity to steal the van with the sound system in it, but that equipment wasn’t enough for Loc. Next, he wants you to steal Madd Dogg’s rhyme book from his mansion in the Vinewood hills. CJ wastes no time going there to stealthily assassinate guards and pinching the all-important tome. However, he’s still not completely satisfied because he wants CJ to drown Madd Dogg’s manager because he “blackballed” him and told him he was whack. Instead of understanding the truth behind the message, Loc insists that CJ take care of this 5’3 man so that Loc can sleep easier at night. The last thing Loc wants you to do after you’ve taken care of this business, is to attend his party in Grove Street so you can listen to his ear-bludgeoning rap music.
Loc is in the top 10 because he’s such a memorable and pretentious moron. He cannot rap and he’s told he sucks, so instead of proving everyone wrong by working hard in an ethical way, he asks somebody to steal someone else’s hard work, and yet he still sucks at rapping. You cannot feel sorry for someone who steals other’s work, and then becoming responsible for his victim wanting to take his own life. Thankfully Madd Dogg does get his revenge on Loc and Madd Dogg wins a gold record, but none of that would be possible if Loc wasn’t so dreadful and desperate. Remember, this isn’t just a list comprised of the best-loved characters, it’s also a list about those characters who made the biggest impression whether that impression be bad or good. As far as Loc in concerned, he’s one of the biggest losers in San Andreas and that sticks with you more than the rise, then fall, then rise again of Madd Dogg — it’s a cruel list, but Loc is definitely a better defined character than Madd Dogg.
9. Carl “CJ” Johnson
What the F? Why is the protagonist at number 9 on this list, shouldn’t he be number 1? Well, this is a list of the best character, and that doesn’t mean number 1 is reserved for the protagonist. CJ deserted his Grove Street homies in 1987 so that he could live in Liberty City and lay low for five years before returning and getting a piece of his brother Sweet’s mind upon his return. CJ is definitely flawed and has made some awful decisions, but at least he is very loyal and does everything in his power to restore the faith of his loved ones throughout his adventures in San Andreas.
Some of these terrible decisions include helping OG Loc by stealing Madd Dogg’s rhyme book, the aforementioned abandoning of the Grove Street Families for Liberty City, betraying the trust of Salvatore Leone in Las Venturas, following C.R.A.S.H’s orders unquestionably, and murdering construction workers just because they labelled Kendl with demeaning words. CJ is also prone to Catalina’s manipulative ways too instead of leaving her because she’s crazy. Also, let’s not forget that he ratted on a D.A by loading the boot of a car he was valeting with drugs, just because he was a D.A.
Although CJ is very loyal and you as the player can customize him in various ways with tats, hairstyles and you can make him thin, muscular and obese, he doesn’t appear to have defining personality outside of his GSF leanings. He could be higher on the list if he was more pronounced and varied in his ways, but alas he is not and has to settle for number 9. Oh, and even though he bests Officer Tenpenny in the game, he aint beating him on this list!
8. Cesar Vialpando
The nicest character in San Andreas, Cesar has a laid back disposition the moment CJ meets him, even if CJ was initially aggressive about Cesar dating Carl’s sister Kendl. Cesar loves his lowriders and encourages CJ to race in both Los Santos and The Badlands, and later on CJ participates in vehicle-procuring missions-so we know exactly what makes Cesar tick-his rides. Cesar is also very loyal to Kendl and does everything he can to protect her from danger, like getting Kendl out of Los Santos when the area is not safe. Cesar is always willing to give CJ help when he requires it as well, which is notable when CJ is tracking down and photographing members of The Loco Syndicate, and scoping out Pier 69 in San Fierro.
Cesar could be higher on the list if he had a bit more attitude about him. There’s nothing wrong with his mostly-chill ways, but his loyalty and devotion doesn’t make him as engrossing as some of those higher up on the list. Even so, it’s fantastic that he is as nice as he is and as willing to lend a hand when CJ requires it. Perhaps it would’ve been nice if he was around when CJ was dealing with mafia business in Las Venturas, but he was likely looking after Kendl at the time, which is understandable. Cesar is a top-notch guy and deserves to be commended overall.
7. Wu Zi Mu
Along with Cesar, Wu Zi Mu is one of the nicest guys in San Andreas, and his mild-mannered personality is very welcoming. You meet Wu Zi before a race Cesar organizes in The Badlands, and he wishes you luck in the race and he was a participant in the race as well.Once CJ bests Wu Zi in a race, he invites you to meet him in San Fierro, where CJ works for him alongside his gang The Mountain Cloud Boys to take out their rivals The Da Nang Boys. Memorable missions in this regard include the mission Amphibious Assault, where CJ must swim and plant bugs on boats, and a mission where The Mountain Cloud Boys and CJ assault a container ship and rescue hostages. Later on, Wu Zi invites you to his casino in Las Venturas, and while you’re there you organize an ambitious heist on Caligula’s Casino by photographing blueprints, stealing police bikes, and pinching a key card by courting a female Caligula’s Casino worker. Although Wu Zi’s posse helps you assault Vagos on top of Madd Dogg’s mansion during the Home In The Hills mission, Wu Zi isn’t involved in the last portion of the game.
Despite his blindness, Wu Zi is very capable and is a great leader. He sits in the number 7 spot because he is definitely worthy of the position, and he is very likable and presents you with some enjoyable missions. He might be a bit too laid back and chill, but he’s certainly one of the good ones in San Andreas and a powerful ally CJ ought to be glad to have on his side.
6. Melvin “Big Smoke” Harris
He may never have eaten from a trash can and his fast food orders are extensive, but this tub of blubber is one of the best characters in San Andreas due to how well his character his fleshed out considering his intentions. Yes, Big Smoke betrayed CJ due to the influence of drugs and money, which makes him a tragic character as well, unlike Officer Tenpenny who has a heart of charcoal.
At first, Big Smoke arrives to greet CJ at his house, initially with a baseball bat because Smoke thought there was an intruder in the house, but when he discovers it was CJ they hug it out. Smoke then takes CJ to Beverley Johnson’s funeral, and The Ballas come along as unwelcome guests to destroy his car, but everyone in attendance made it home from the memorial on push bikes. Smoke would then factor into the early missions in San Andreas, like when he craved some chicken and ordered two number 9s, a number 9 large, a number six with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45s, one with cheese, and a large soda. When The Ballas were hassling GSF, Smoke chose to eat his food up instead of firing at them, which is a hint to the betrayal we would see officially under the Mulholland Intersection thanks to Cesar. Smoke would go on to forge his drug empire until the end of the game where CJ successfully takes out Smoke (not to a restaurant this time), but not before Smoke explains his betrayal.
Smoke doesn’t seem to be an evil man because he was caught up in the drugs and the money, and this is what Officer Tenpenny influenced. While you can’t easily forgive Smoke for betraying GSF, he just wanted power and power is a corrupting force. At least CJ prayed and made peace with Big Smoke ultimately as Smoke is a tragic figure who got swept up in malevolence, but ultimately his loyalties are fractured and fractious, and you can’t trust anybody like that. He’s high up on this list because of all the memorable moments he’s involved with, as well as his characterization and personality traits.
5. Officer Frank Tenpenny
Played by Samuel L. Jackson, Officer Frank Tenpenny is a constant thorn up CJ’s rectum as soon as he returns from Los Santos. Tenpenny has known CJ for a while, seeing as Tenpenny asks CJ whether he’s forgotten about him and Pulaski since he moved to Liberty City. Tenpenny ensures CJ has no luggage to take with him to his family home, and takes his money believing it to be drug money, then proceeds to throw CJ out of the Police Car he was arrested in and has to walk around on Ballers’ turf before stealing a bicycle to ride home on.
This introduction to Officer Tenpenny’s abhorrent treatment of CJ is the tip of the iceberg, as CJ is made to work for Tenpenny and his “C.R.A.S.H” team-meaning Community Resources Against Street Hoodlums. Clearly Tenpenny thinks CJ is street trash and treats him as such throughout San Andreas by making him do his dirty work. Tenpenny’s attitude towards Carl is often aggressive, though sometimes he appears reasonable and isn’t always angry. He does punch CJ in the stomach in Las Venturas because a dossier revealing Tenpenny’s abhorrent behaviour is threatening to finish his policing career-so Tenpenny can definitely be unhinged and aggravated.
There is also the matter that he blackmailed and manipulated Big Smoke into betraying the Grove Street Families, which is a very sinister part of the whole San Andreas storyline. Tenpenny is the poison that turned homies against each other because Tenpenny wants the no-good gangsters off the street, but really he is a gangster mastermind in police clothing. He’s a cunning and malicious hypocrite, which of course makes him the the most evil entity in San Andreas.
No surprise why Tenpenny is high on the list then, he’s the ultimate bad guy in San Andreas and manipulates people into getting what he wants. This means he is one of the best characters in the game from a writing and attitudinal standpoint, so this is why he is number five on the list.
4. Catalina
The craziest most unhinged character in San Andreas by far is definitely Catalina. From the moment you meet her in a bar threatening to knife hillbillies, she comes across as a lunatic. She encourages CJ to rob four targets within The Badlands, and most worryingly of all, she accompanies you to every single robbery. This of course means you cannot contend with these robberies without Catalina nagging you the whole time, which is really uncomfortable for CJ and for our ears, but she is very entertaining to listen to at the same time. At one point she threatens to make testicle kebabs out of CJ’s genitals, which I guess suits her to a tee because she’s demented.
Catalina plays with CJ’s emotions too, pretending to be his lover because the robberies they committed together turned her on. She does something very disturbing and presumably R-rated inside of her ranch, and when CJ called her a stupid B word, she comes from behind him and holds a gun to his head. Thankfully, all the emotional weirdness is ended when it is revealed that Catalina doesn’t love CJ anymore, and has instead found a “snake without a tongue” known as Claude, who treats her well, so much so in fact that CJ has to hear about how much pleasure he gives her at the end of the game… yeah try to block this sentence from your memory.
So it’s without question that Catalina is very entertaining and monstrously strict and short-tempered. This indeed makes her one of the best characters in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and thoroughly deserving of the number 4 rank.
3. The Truth
Time for someone who is pretty much the opposite of Catalina, The Truth is a mellow hippie and baby boomer, who is really quite the pleasure to see in cutscenes whether he’s getting high with Officer Tenpenny to the tune of Nautilus by Bob James, or he’s chatting to you on a road trip to San Fierro. During your dealings with The Truth, you drive a Combine Harvester, burn crops, steal a “Black Project,” and collect up green goo from a train. He always has good vibes and energy, even if he doesn’t always make sense, or get that smoke out of CJ’s face.
The Truth is generally a fantastic character played by the late Peter Fonda. He’s got a heavy 1960s vibe about him, and that coincides with the missions he gives CJ, and in turn that adds a wonderful layer of depth to San Andreas. The Truth is one of the most likable characters in the game, and one of the most chilled out too, so this is why he’s so far up in this countdown.
2. Maccer
Some may not take to his crudeness and dirtiness, but Maccer is undoubtedly the funniest character in San Andreas. He is revolting, but that’s part of his ghastly charm. A Manchester-based lead singer of a band called The Gurning Chimps, him and his manager Kent Paul find themselves stranded in the desert up in Arco Del Oeste, and CJ is sent to rescue them by The Truth. Maccer and Paul were presumably unconscious and coming to when CJ arrives on the scene, and Maccer states he was dreaming of an intimate affair with a woman until he showed up… and that’s the polite and PG way to put it. What follows is plenty of vulgarities that are just a crying with laughter pleasure to hear coming out of Maccer’s mouth.
This countdown could go into more details of what Maccer is involved with in San Andreas, including being tied to a board where a knife almost lands on his private parts, or his infatuation with a deceased former female Prime Minister of the UK, but the details would be too graphic. Just know that Maccer is vulgar but one of the funniest Rockstar Games characters there ever was. And yeah he’s at number 2 on this countdown because Maccer is great at obliterating taste and decency.
1. Mike Toreno
Without a shadow of a doubt (even though he’s a shadowy figure himself) Mike Toreno is the absolute best character in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. His participation in the story is important, the missions you undertake feel heavy and crucial, and Toreno’s backstory and allure are second to none. Played by James Woods, Mike Toreno is the kind of guy you think you’ve figured out, but he ensures you don’t know as much as you think you do about him, and that’s one of the reasons why he’s such a fascinating character.
Toreno first comes into the story of San Andreas as part of The Loco Syndicate, which is a group of drug pushers who make a deal with Big Smoke’s empire. CJ is tasked with taking down Mike Toreno while he is traveling in his helicopter, and CJ proceeds to destroy the helicopter and we assume Toreno had perished with everybody else on board. However, CJ receives an anonymous phone call by unclear but insistent voice, who tells Carl to meet this supposed mystery individual in the desert. Once there, Carl is told to hop into a monster truck and to complete a checkpoint-laden course. Still none the wiser about who this person is, Carl shows up, and out of nowhere Toreno sneaks up on him and CJ is very surprised thinking he’s seen a ghost and that Toreno should cap him right then and there. However, Toreno settles Carl down and CJ starts working for Toreno and engaging in his classified CIA-style activities.
At first CJ teams with Cesar to steal a tanker, but soon you’re fending off a fleet of choppers, learning to fly (including some of the funniest and most-insistent calls in the game if you put off learning to fly), speeding onto the back of a plane to set an explosive and then leaping from that plane, using a plane to fly below radar detection to drop off supplies, and assaulting a naval base to steal a Hydra jet. Toreno’s missions are the best in San Andreas collectively, and they’re very ambitious-almost feeling like a Metal Gear Solid game at points.
Toreno himself is always to the point and doesn’t mess around, save for when he decides to sneak up on Carl while he’s unaware. Toreno is also an important figure for ensuring CJ’s brother Sweet is released from prison too. He might be a besuited and mostly no-nonsense man, but Toreno is the smartest and most-interesting character in San Andreas. This is why he has earned the coveted spot as the best character in GTA: San Andreas, and nobody should argue about that.